Dear Clarissa, Hi, I am a 40 year old female and have never had a relationship. I never had a boyfriend and never dated or married.  Now I am very afraid of men and the idea of a relationship. Im an extreme introvert in general and Im also afraid of going to doctors and have rarely gone in my whole life. I was sexually abused and Im wondering where I went wrong on everything. Any thoughts?

Signed,

Forty & Shy

Clarissa says

Dear Forty, You have a number of concerns with each one contributing to the other. By breaking down these issues into manageable parts, you can begin to heal and move forward. Let’s start at the beginning. Being sexually abused is extremely significant, it is no wonder you have a problem with relationships and the potential for sex that comes with dating and/or marriage.

I urge you to see a licensed Therapist in this regard. Once you have worked through your fears and truly absorbed the fact that you were victimized and NOT at fault, you will begin to acknowledge and accept that everyone is an individual with the potential for both good and evil. By allowing yourself to get to know another person and to be known by another person, you can determine to what extent they may be trusted and incorporated into your life. This is a gradual; rewarding process. In the meantime, it is important to take care of the vessel you inhabit, your body. Perhaps you can seek a female physician who will be an ally in your journey.