Dear Clarissa,

I am in a relationship with someone who is 17 yrs younger. We have been dating for 18 months and I love him a lot, we talk about spending our lives together. I just truly got comfortable in the relationship and he was a live in boyfriend up until a month ago then he decided to get some of the things in his life on the right track; college, a good job, he says to help support us. Yesterday, he broke it off, saying I deserve someone better and someone with more money.  He said his family is upset by the age difference and they look down on him for it.

Clarissa says

Dear Down on Him, There is definitely a point where it is no longer cool to be dating an “older chick” and conversely a point where it becomes creepy to be with an older man. Where is that line? That is largely up to the parties involved and pressures from the community. Unfortunately, your boyfriend has determined that the pressure is too great. This is an opportunity for you to evaluate your position in regard to the ideal relationship for you.

You do not state your age but I am guessing he is at minimum 18 which makes you at minimum 35. If you are considering marriage and/or children, it is important to consider what your potential partner will bring to the table. Do you want to be the breadwinner? Will your partner be ready to start a family at the same time that you are? Will you begin to feel resentment toward a partner who does not have the same or a similar level of life experience and maturity when the mundane issues of life must be dealt with? Perhaps you do not desire marriage or children. A person who is significantly younger or older than yourself will likely have significantly different life goals which may blend with yours for a season but likely not for the long term. If dating men in this age range is a pattern for you, I suggest you seek counseling from a licensed professional to determine why you are not able to bond with your peers. If this is an isolated occurrence, I suggest you digest what you have learned and adjust your future dating behavior accordingly.

My boyfriend is 35, has been divorced 5 yrs, has since had 2 relationships. One of them left one weekend, and never spoke to him again. When his wife left, he said he didn’t know why. His next relationship he was going to get married but he stopped the wedding 1 week before and then tried to get back with her but she wouldn’t. We’ve been together 13 mos., He says he loves me, does not want me to leave him, and did go to a therapist every week for 2 mos. He said he is 90% on his way to marriage and when we met he said he wants a close relationship and wants to get married. Do I continue to give this man more time or do I leave?  I realize he has intimacy issues. Am I just not getting the breakup message?

Clarissa says

Dear Breakup,
Is going to a Therapist every week for two months sufficient time to resolve intimacy issues that have resulted in divorce and alienation? Maybe and maybe not. Only you can say whether or not the level of intimacy you are experiencing with this man is acceptable to you or not; the fact that you are expressing concern implies that all is not well.

I suggest that you encourage your friend to continue his Therapy and give you a call when he has resolved his issues. If marriage is your goal, it is important to not only find the right person but also to be the right person. That applies to both parties.

Dear Clarissa,
My boyfriend is obsessed with his college professor and it bothers me to the point of breaking up with him. Recently it has started bothering me because I realized that he looks her up online very often. I’ve started feeling like I have to share him with her. I don’t know if we have value differences that cant be reconciled or if I am just a jealous person. I have good self-esteem and I don’t’ feel like she’s better than me except that she has a large part of my boyfriend’s attention. We got in a huge fight and broke up over it. He said he won’t stop being her fan and if I didn’t like it then I could leave him, so I did. He changed his mind and said he would stop following her if it meant we wouldn’t be together. But now I feel like I’m changing a huge part of who he is. I don’t know what to do. Are we too different? Does he have a problem? Do I have a problem? Is it reconcilable?

Signed,

Jealous

Clarissa says

Dear Jealous, Many men and women get crushes on public figures; a professor does fall into this category. Unfortunately, a college professor is not as inaccessible as say a movie star; so I understand your initial concern. However, your boyfriend is a self-described “fan” of this professor which may provide a clue regarding his intent.

This sounds like a case of admiration rather than ardour. The problem here is not his crush but your irrational jealousy, relationships are based on trust; if you do not trust him, you need to figure out what that is about and make a choice.